Tortuga the Turtle was made for the sandy desert winds that sweep across everything herein Mexico. 

We are in Agua Prieta  waiting for Vincent’s immigration papers. The walls of our concrete two room cell radiate all of summers fury and none of its benefits. Plus we have a manic puppy the size of a small volvo and neighbors who are assassins/smugglers in need of  loud mob parties regularly.  It’s an experiment in human dignity, to keep your integrity, try not to starve, and keep some semblance of compasion for the society who lives here. Our expiration time stares at us thu the glass- taunting us to abandon all hope of immigration and simply run across that steel border fence to the safety of my country to live a normal life again. 

So I make my mosaics to pass the time and still be productive. I found five tall indian statues recently and will begin their renovation as soon as money and materials permit. Perhaps to have an exhibition, enter some great contest, or just see them proudly on my webpage- www.wix.com/turquoisetiger/turquoise-tiger

But I constantly ask myself how much time I am wastiing – being away from my children-not having stable work, a good house, time on the beach, a good coffee, – to sit here and wait for something that could be denied anyway?  Oh the things we do for love!  Otherwise our dream of land and building a house and workshop is a grand one to say the least.

In a couple of weeks it will be resolved and he will be here, but I wouldn’t wish this arrangement on anybody. To flame or not to flame. To be upset at a careless word or let it pass.  Saying “I love you”  just isn’t enough and those smiley faces leave you feeling helpless to really express your deeper feelings.  Can we get some more audibles???

     I’m not a nun and don’t intend to become one. I’m not even Orthodox. But I live here for now while my husband does some things for the sisters. I seem to make a scandal everyday and dance precariously close to one of those disciplinary encounters at each move I make. But since I’m immune, I might as well continue to exist in my own favourite American way.

      Today I finally found an internet signal for my laptop. Unfortunately it was located on the cement in the parking area right next to the back kitchen. So I sat there in the middle of plain sight- as around the corner came the main director/sister/ leader of the place with an even greater high religious church official and his entourage of bishops. Oops! In this country it’s believed that if a woman sits on the concrete she’ll get a bad disease so people freak out. Not to mention that I was there with some strange machine gathering foreign transmissions and repositioning it every minute like E.T. phoning home. In penance I may be inclined to kiss her ring in submission like the others the next time I see her.

     But this was really nothing compared to my morning adventure traipsing thru the village in a rickety gypsy wagon pulled by a skin- and-bones horse and a wild man with a whip. All this just for a measly phone recharge card. I can hear them now “What were you doing with that blonde woman in your wagon Mr. and Mrs. Gypsy?”

     I did get to telephone my husband for the first time in two weeks. He’s currently in Vienna and I am forced to plow through this terrain alone. I can see why Shakespeare said “Get thee to a nunnery.” If I can just steer clear of the workmen, avoid the snakes, keep my fingernails just a little cleaner, get rid of these moths that keep flying in the window, have something more than potatoes and cabbage to eat once and a while (like meat maybe???) and not get discovered smoking, then there’s a chance for survival.

     But this is naïve thinking. There are dangers, and manoeuvres, plots and subplots here that would make your hair curl. We have a spy, a crazy lady who says she smokes porn cigarettes but is really quite charming, tourist men walking about in skirts, hard working monks in long black dresses driving tractors, two distinctly separate kitchens depending on your status- which I visit often just to make a stir, really pink pigs who do nothing but eat all day, a girl who lets the cows take her for a walk and one crazy Cujo dog of my husbands who likes to kill whatever he can catch. I’m on his hit list..

     While I wait for this termination I continue to write my manuscripts about living in Romania and Austria, as well as a book about Eastern European mentality. The first two are pure fiction because people would accuse me of exaggeration if I tried to bill them as fact. The third one is everything you should know if you don’t want to be mugged, have your organs removed, be poisoned by food, kidnapped by the mafia, sold into prostitution by gypsies or left in a foreign country to die of the common cold.

      So my question is- since I can’t seem to find a Deep Throat in this forsaken land… Does anyone know a good agent? Drop me a line. E-mail,…… not cement shoes.

At this moment I”m siting on the floor of a concrete warehouse writing thru a wifi adapter. Just having moved back to America (Eastern Nashville) – from Eastern Europe- I”m finding disturbing cultural similarities that may be a sign of our distressed economic times.

People scrounging for every penny with no regard to buying quality- “Just give me the cheapest…whatever…”

Dogs don’t get designer “dog food’ anymore. Poor Fido has to eat leftover pasta becuase we had to spend the money on 4 childrens school lunches and tonights hamburger helper.

People don’t want to help you because they would have to drive- and driving means using up their gas. Heaven help us.

Support groups have replaced family responsibility and togetherness.  We now look for similarities in those around us. Alzheimers groups, bikers club, phobias anonymous, internet addiction societies, homeless inc. couch surfers, immigrants vs non- immigrants, etc. It seems that if you don’thave a group, then you’re in a boat without a paddle.  I am currently groupless- unless you count autoless as a group.

If you don’t have a cell phone you”re like a man without a country. You don’t exist. Period.  (There’s another group I can identify with- cell phone-less.)

So I’m wondering.. Is this shift in society due to the fact that ” times are rough?” Or are they due to the fact that the media has convinced us all to believe that “times are rough”?

What does the average American fear?  Terrorism? I think not, but we fear losing our jobs, our house, our autos, and our credit rating.  

 When people operate in fear, they rely on the government to give them security. And the government is glad to do this for us with new regulations, rules,  and .new ways of dependency………but not much in the way of meat and potatoes support.

There are times in all our lives when we are afraid. But in that thin thread of humanity-a tenacious spirit remains. We can’t afford to lose what is compassionate, what is vital to our connectedness as a species. What  is our benefit if every man is for himself? Why can’t we just hold on to one another and block out what the media is trying to feed us as reality.

I know tomorrow is another day. A new chance. I also know that I am a survivor. So are you. For the moment – till we really feel secure in ourselves to not listen to hype and naysayers in our economy—its best to walk softly, carry a big stick and maybe a pit bull would help.

If a Greater Power exists, and if we humans could- (for a small nominal fee of course), come to it for answers to some of the world’s greatest mysteries- what would you ask?

Here are my questions:

Did we really walk on the moon?

What is the purpose of cancer- esp in children?

Why does getting what you think you want make you so miserable?

Why were mosquitoes created?

Why do men who hit their wives think that its no problem?

Does an automatic gambling machine ever give five sevens?

Why do Europeans hate the Jewish people so much?

Were our grandfathers really monkeys?

Here are some answers I do know:

How many licks does it take to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? It depends on if you have a cold or not. It takes less licks if you are sick.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he didn’t have any where else to go.

Are blue eyes really blue? No, they just reflect the world around them.

Can you win money on an automatic gambling machine with fruit? Yes if you stay with the same machine a long time and bet mostly with the highest number. But walk away the moment you win!

Why do bad things happen to good people? Because the world is a consumer and likes to eat them up.

You must have many questions of your own.

I found the oracle today!!!!!!!

Hidden in a remote village in Romania, is a very small, very gentle man. People say that what he says comes true.  He had been abandoned in the forest as a child and survived. He has a lot of palsey and can barely talk clear, so he has an interpreter at all times.  I visited today quite unexpectedly with friends. It was strange to look in his eyes. They were so peaceful. He was kind of funny and told me and my husband things no one would know.  We were going to have 2 children,  we must go to America as soon as possible, and some other curious things.  What an experience!

He then told a friend of ours that she had buried her husband 4 years ago and that the man she was with now was no good to marry because he was a Schmecker! But she will bury her next husband also. ( I think now she is looking for a wealthy man).

We left his house and yard full of chickens in amazement.

Some words are heavy and some questions you really don’t want to know the answer to. Things like-Does my husband really love me?  Will he have an affair?  How long will I live?   Will I be happy or suffer from some disease?  These questions seem off-limits and possibly harmful to handle when you are in the room with the chance to know the future.

What questions do you think you would really ask if you had the chance?

Bittersweet happenings this week:::::::::::::

I made my first beans that didn’t taste like dirt. I also went to the Ukraine for a while and watched the border patrol posture around waiting for quick bribes. We also have a monumentous occasion. A visa appointment for Vincent on Tuesday. But this requires an American sponsor and invitations obtained in 4 days time. So we are scrambling about and I am contacting friends and family. This is a very dangerous task. I have been displaced in Europe too long and am searching for my spot in this world- my world- back home in America.

When given the opportunity to contribute anything in an urgent situation- time, money, resources, small things such as an e-mail or endorsement, who can you count on to rise to the occasion and come though for you?

Well my search ended with me not having parents any more. Not having sisters anymore, not having those I hoped were my friends- anymore. The one saving grace that I am sooooooooo immensely proud of is my son David. He has all my respect for sponsoring his mother and new step-father to obtain a visa and come to the states. Check out his page and his videos:

http://www.myspace.com/fearofthegreatmolerat

So I lost may people this week. But I learned much about the quality of my son’s character, and gained a sudden reconnection to an old friend I thought was lost. I wait for her response, not holding my breath, but inhaling slightly with a glimmer of hope.

Another gift was the new Switchfoot video for Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian- This is Home. I have played it out. It details my heart and I can’t get enough. Watch it here, and try not to cry:

To all the immigrants who yearn for a better life, a place of rest, a chance to feel wanted and safe:

This is home
Now I’m finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I’ve been searching
For a place of my own
Now I’ve found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I’m gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I’m gonna call it homeI

The closest I get to feeling friendship is playing chess.  Moving the pieces around, having them interact together. But in real life- I can’t find anyone. You see, I’m a little eccentric. Traveled in Europe, raised some kids, did some funny things, and I still have grand visions in my life. People tend to settle and be happy with what they’ve got. But I’m not.  I’d like to open a small mosaic Gallery, live somewhere near enough to the beach- maybe a coastal town. I want to be out of Europe with a desperation- but can’t see a way out unless I take a loan from the U.S. Embassy.  But location is a temporary problem. I am not afraid of new starts. Actually they are refreshing… But finding a good friend- well thats almost an impossibility.

I think  the term “good friend” is maybe a myth.  How many people can you count on when the going gets rough? Or just when you need to talk? Or when you need a little true advice that knocks you down but picks you up at the same time? They say to have a friend- you must be one first.  I haven’t taken the time to be one. Pure and simple.  But for sure it’s time to try.

If you are reading this today and you have a good friend…….then thank your lucky stars. You are truly one of the few!

kklh

My beloved husband of nine months doesn’t believe in anything. Well, he believes in himself and that is all. No supreme being, no force, no spiritual significance-just dust when we die. I can’t seem to convince him that something must be out there. He has seen people die before- that very moment when all at once, only a body remains. That essence of our personalities, our mind, spirit or soul is gone.

I, personally feel like a spiritual person, a believer, even though we are soo very human! But I am not compelled to re-enter the “church world” after so many years of being involved in it.

But a dilemma came today- aggravated by his mom’s insistence that because she is Orthodox, that we must be also. I heavily disagreed ( in my stuttering Romanian language). He disagreed also, but we got to talking and he said, “You will never go to church, never!”

I replied, ” Sure I will if I want too.”

“No. If you go to church, I will divorce you.” he said.

“You’ve got to be kidding. I can never go to church?”

“No, never.” he said.

Well, I’m an American woman and proud of it. I detest being forbidden anything that has no real evidence of harm. Actually, I have no real interest in going to church at this moment but I don’t want to be forbidden, because I believe every person is responsible for his or her beliefs, ultimately. Plus there are some pretty cool churches in the U.S.

It tried to explain the difference between Orthodox and non-denominational churches in America, but he has no concept of the difference. Just flat-no. Oh my goodness! He is so funny!

But what do you do in this situation? Hopefully its just another cultural abberation I have to accept in his personality and not the nail in the coffin, (as it were). Maybe I should write a book- How I married a Romanian man and lived to tell about it! ….more exerpts from my funny husband later……

For those of you who don’t know much about Romania, here is a primer of my perceptions in this country. If this is disagreeable to some-let me know. I desire to be politically correct, but I make no apologies as to the content of what I describe as my opinion.

The locals are basically simple hospitable people. Farmers, or those with no apparent means of financial sustainability. Driving though small villages you see heavily fortified neighborhoods with metal or rock fences. Houses are accesed by a courtyard of sorts with maybe a dog chickens or other livestock, and an outhouse in the back. There is an infrastructure of plumbing, running water, indoor toilets, only in big cities- though some still choose not to use it and rely on the system of bringing in buckets of water and using wood fuel for heat and cooking. The typical house consists of only 1 or 2 rooms. The main kitchen/sleeping room and as side room that is extra and unheated. Space is not an option and neither is privacy. If you are visiting- it is normal for people to change their clothes right in front of you. They have little concept of personal space and don’t understand if a foreigner needs it.

You must always refuse if you are offered food. You may accept after the third time (if there is a third time.) Everyone has a house wine. Everyone. Drinking seems to be the national pass time. (Maybe it’s this way in all of Eastern Europe?) You cannopt be boisterous, cause a scandal, talk too much, or express your personality in thoughts, clothing, hairstyle or even jewelry. I am seen as rich because I wear six rings, but really I consider myself to be poor because maybe I have something “good” to eat every three days or so. (By ‘good’ I imply something other than bread or potatoes or strange mixtures of food that I cannot identify and therefore decline) because food poisoning is my enemy.

There is a great hatred of the gypsies here. From television coverage and personal observations, it is somewhat justified. The romantic western image of a gypsy is pure fiction. Here, they play their role as poor beggars- when actually it is a big syndicate-children being bred for the lifestyle of stealing- and penalties for coming home empty. Many have large silver topped houses in which large numbers share  communally together with their animals. They have mass collections of weapons and often use distraction and numbers to catch a tourist off guard.

There are many hungry dogs roaming around the entire country and the other day a child of 6 was killed by a pack estimated to be from 40 -60. Single ones don’t seem to pose much danger.

As for mentality, the old are often humorous and rely on conserving all resources for survival. Living in semi-darkness, saving bottles, plastic sacks and often living without heat. The young move on to bigger cities for better opportunities, while the middle-aged often work in other countries, leaving husbands or wives here. Some, out of desperation, leave the country entirely and their children become wards of the state.

Orthodox religion is prevalent among the population, although it is hard to distinguish the righteous believers from the bandits because the system works in a symbiosis and there is much money in religion. The politicians and the priests are the richest people in this society.

So the point in describing all this is that an American living in this environment is similar to an African in Antarctica. Many members of the U.S. Peace Corps stationed here have had to be put on anti-depressants when they get home. There is no “what you see is what you get.” In fact, everything must be questioned. A smile is misinterpreted, eye contact is to be avoided if you are a woman, and you never know if you are going to be met with hostility, curiousity, or normal impartiality. There’s no such thing as acceptance. If you have this, then there’s a big chance it is merely a ruse.

Since living in Europe, many things have permanently impacted my brain and sometimes I wish I hadn’t learned them at all. In America, we are told as children that the world is compatible to us, that people are basically good, and that if you work hard, you will be rewarded. But I’ve learned that here as well as on the other side of the globe, life is hard, hope is negotiable and sometimes happiness is a luxury for only the few.

So, here are the things I wish I didn’t know:

1. How prejudiced, how racist many people are here in Europe. They see others as a Nigerian, a Turk, a Muslim, a black, a gypsy, a German, a Jew, while I see people (as I think most Americans do) as just people- with all the same needs….security, food, hope, shelter and compassion.

2. How so many people disappear- children here in Eastern Europe, backpackers and alone people in remote places- victims of organ trafficking.

3. How everything hinges on mere survival. Desperation and food, food, food.

4. How fragile our eco-system is and the importance of every person to be aware of what is really happening with our climate.

5. How much politics, the mafia, and the rich rule interaction between nations.

6. How much the media controls propaganda directed against Americans as well as restriction of information to Americans about situations in the rest of the world.

7. How many dark deeds, thoughts, and plots exist in people’s hearts that films just can’t invent.